“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.” ~Russell Baker

A mere 7 weeks ago, school was letting out, and everyone was getting all geared up, super excited about SUMMER.  Everybody’s all jumping for joy that summer is here, and we’re going to stay up late and then sleep in, and we’re going hang out at the pool and it’s going to be so awesome!  And then there are the people who are going to do all that, but also do some other stuff.  Like keep up with some schoolwork, and organize the house, and maybe do some leisurely cooking.  Little things like that.

So how’s that going for ya?

Let me tell you how it’s going for me.  I haven’t stopped sweating since Memorial Day.  There are about 4 more weeks until school starts back, and, I estimate, a good 8 weeks until I’ll stop sweating.

If Summer was your see-saw partner, it just stood up off it’s seat while you were up in the air.  Dirtiest trick in the book.

If Summer was a sweater (oh, and IT IS), it would have lots of those stringy things that you think you can snap off, but when you pull, it just turns into a giant hole, unraveling all around you.

If Summer was a beer, it would be warm and watery.

If Summer was an ice cream, it would be melted, low fat, low calorie frozen yogurt that fell off the cone.  And ants are eating it.  Ants that appeared from seemingly nowhere, and that will not go away no matter how many things you spray on them because they have some crazy internal instinct to go back to that exact spot where someone dropped that stupid ice cream that ONE time and didn’t clean it up and now we all have to suffer and be ant murderers for the rest of our lives.

I might have gotten sidetracked with the ants.  The point is that I think most of us can agree that the best parts of Summer may be behind us.  We love being together with our families, but there’s just so much…together-ness.  Sometimes all in one room with not enough beds.  Staying up late is all fine and good, but it sure does make everyone cranky.  The pool was great those first few weeks, but now the water is so hot it’s more like People Soup.

If Summer was a hotel room, it would have two double beds very close to one another and its occupants would include children that go to bed at 8:30.  It might have one shower that has no water pressure and a travel hair dryer from 1984.

Did anyone make any Summer Resolutions?  A Bucket List?  While we’re on the subject can we please clarify that a “Bucket List” is a list of things you want to do before you DIE??  As in “kick the bucket?”  Do people not know this?  Because I see Bucket Lists for everything.  But unless you’re trying to make it to the Great Beyond before Labor Day Weekend, you don’t need a Summer Bucket List.  So, stop it.  You’re freaking me out.  No Summer lists for me, which is crazy because I actually have a list of all my lists.  But this is not my first rodeo, and I’ve learned to have no expectations when it comes to Summer.  I knew what was coming. But I find no satisfaction in being right about this.  It is cold comfort.  No, it’s not cold comfort.  It’s a warm wet blanket of humidity comfort.

Workbooks?  DIDN’T EVEN BUY ‘EM.  “Summer Slide” you warn?  “Wheeeeeeee!”  Sounds like fun to me!  Seriously, I’ve thought about doing some little educational sort of field trips with the kids, but I worry if we step foot outside the house we might all be incinerated on the spot.

Did I mention the sweating?

How about those little around-the-house projects we think we’re going to get to in the slow summer months?  Listen, I’m barely keeping the lights on in this place because I keep losing the damn bills they send.  Projects?  How about “Project Keep the A/C On” because we don’t need no stinkin’ lights as long as there’s Wi-Fi.  (Kids don’t know how electricity works.  Probably because no one is teaching them anything in the summer.)

If Summer was Wi-Fi, it would start out with a great signal, but then it would get progressively weaker, and you would wonder what was going wrong.  So you’d check your settings, but still your pages won’t load and finally you just have to lie down because you’ve gotten all sweaty again.

I used to think that Summer would be a good time to acquire some healthy cooking skills.  Makes sense, right?  All that extra time on my hands (which is where, exactly?  I’d like to know;  I keep hearing about this “extra time), the abundance of fresh ingredients, the little people in my house so hungry from all their romping around gleefully in the outdoors…

Y’all, I told the family we needed to eat up all the food in the house before we left for our beach trip and I haven’t set foot in a grocery store since then.  I’m not going to tell you if the “beach trip” to which I’m referring was last week, or right after school got out, or maybe even Spring Break.  It doesn’t matter; don’t judge me.  No one is starving, I can guarantee you that.  Hallelujah, drive-thrus are still open in the summer!!  One of the kids asked me, “Mom, can we just put Capri Suns in our cereal, since there’s no milk?”  To which I responded, “I don’t know, maybe you should try it.  It would be like a science experiment.”  BAM!  Feeding the body and the brain.  One late afternoon, I threw out the courtesy *big inhale, then exhale while speaking* “Sowhatdoyouwantfordinnertonight?”  My six year old barely looks up from an iPad, and with the flat inflection of a hardened-by-the-world 35 year old, she says, “You know, just, just…not… ham and cheese.”  And that made me sad, because that meant that I would have to eat the ham and cheese.

If Summer was deli meat, it would be one or two days PAST it’s expiration date: it’s probably ok to have it, but you don’t really want it and it might make you a little queasy.  And sweaty.

If Summer was a tomato sandwich, it would have entirely too much mayonnaise on it.

If Summer was a pretty lollipop, it would be crumbled in 45 pieces at the bottom of my purse, stuck to a receipt and my wallet.

4 weeks until school starts.  8 weeks until we can walk to the mailbox without fear of spontaneous combustion.  We can hold on and finish strong.  My little one wants to go bowling one day.  They have A/C and pizza, which means I won’t sweat too much and the kids won’t be too hungry.  Hey, if we can find something to learn there, this could count as an educational field trip!

I just might be getting all excited and giddy about SUMMER!  Maybe all I needed was to get warmed up.