“Little pitchers have big ears.”–Mom
“Do as I say, not as I do.”–also Mom
So, we have a puppy in the house.
There’s so much more to say about it than that, but those words are best saved for another time when I won’t be put under review by animal activist groups. For the intents and purposes of this post, all you need to know is that we currently have a puppy. And it would also be helpful to know that the puppy in question may not actually be a puppy, but rather a Ziploc bag filled with pee, covered in fur, and stabbed with a safety pin 1,000 times.
The amount of times the animal pees is somewhat unbelievable. I can’t wrap my mind around the output versus the input. It defies explanation. If I weren’t so infuriated, I might be amazed by it.
But as it stands right now, I’m mostly pissed. I’m pissed about the piss.
A few nights ago I was helping my girls get ready for bed. We were upstairs, which is off limits to Princess Pissypants, so she had to be held for the duration of her visit there. I needed my hands free, so I handed the dog off to my older daughter.
“Here. You hold her so she doesn’t…” It was one of those moments where I couldn’t find the word I was looking for. It was right there. Pee has been my pervading thought since the day the pup sauntered into our house, but the right word was escaping me. My younger daughter grinned her little snaggletooth grin and finished the sentence for me.
Erm. Well. Ugh. If I were a teacher I would say something along the lines of, “That’s technically correct, but not quite the answer we’re looking for.” The next 10 seconds of thoughts went a little something like this:
“Did she just say ‘Piss?’ Or was it ‘psssssssss?’ Because that’s kind of the sound that piss, I mean, PEE, makes. So maybe she’s just making the sound and turned it into a word. And I mean, really, is ‘piss’ even that bad of a word? I certainly wouldn’t include it as one of the big cuss words. Maybe it’s not even a cuss word at all. Just a little ugly sounding. I think maybe I should let this one slide.”
Then I had a vision of her Sunday School teacher asking, “How’s that little puppy doing?” and my sweet angel looking up at her and sunnily replying, “Good, but she pisses all over the place.”
About that time, my older daughter started cradling the puppy like a baby, rocking her back and forth, and singing a sweet little song that goes, “Piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss.”
OK. So, the usage of the word “piss” needs to be confronted.
“Girls, I don’t know where y’all heard it, or if you made it up, or what, but you need to know that ‘piss’ is not a nice word to use. It’s not exactly a bad word, but there are other words to use, like peepee, or teetee or something like that. “Piss” is not a word that polite young ladies use.”
“But, mama,” the cute little snaggletooth is back, looking wide-eyed at me, “you say it all the time! You just said it on the phone to your friend!”
Dammit. The jig’s up. I’m not a polite young lady. (Oh, and don’t say “dammit, either.”)