“It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.”
— Stephen Fry
I speak in clichés. It’s a terrible habit, and one that I’d love to break, but can’t seem to. It’s like saying “like.” The more I try to stop it, the more I do it. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I have a hard time thinking of something original to say, so I just go back to all the tired phrases that are tried and true. And almost every time I utter one of these phrases, I think about how wrong it can be. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but let’s overanalyze some of these, shall we?
“When it rains it pours.”
Wrong. I mean, I get the spirit of the phrase, but as someone who has lived in the rain for about 6 weeks (a.k.a. FOREVER), it doesn’t just pour. It drizzles and it spits. It mists and it pelts. It comes in at you sideways and it seeps into your bones and you feel like maybe you should never, ever leave your bed. And why shower? It’s just an upgraded imitation of what’s going on outside that you’re desperately trying to avoid. I’ll raise your crappy cliché with a new mantra: “Rain, rain, go away.”
Easy as pie.
Have you made a pie? Not always easy, friend. Unless it’s that Oreo thing that comes in a box. That’s pretty easy. I’m 50/50 on this one.
If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
What? Back up. This is a flawed question. I mean, how high is the bridge? Is it over water? How close are these friends? Have we all be been drinking? If so, what and how much? I’m going to need more information here before I can answer your crappy question, MOM.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
Pennies are worthless. I mean, unless it was your great great grandfather who saved HIS pennies and invested them for you, in which case GOOD FOR FREAKIN’ YOU, this does not apply to the rest of us.
A penny for your thoughts.
Fantastic. Maybe I’ll save it, along with the rest of those worthless pennies. Or maybe I will…
Put your money where your mouth is.
I once went to a Bachelorette Party where there was a “gentleman entertainer.” Most of us were horrifyingly embarrassed and at one point, a friend leaned over and said to me, “This is why I tell my children to never to put money in their mouths.” Now THAT is some sound advice.
Practice makes perfect.
Or, at my house, practice makes everybody grumpy. (“Do we haaave to gooooo??”)
Floss every day.
I’m on board with this. I floss every day…that I have a dentist appointment.
What goes around, comes around.
What does this even mean? Is it supposed to be if it goes away, it comes back? Because to me, going around and coming around are kind of the same thing. Oh, wait. Maybe that’s it. But I’m still confused. So I guess it’s still something to say when I don’t know what else to say. Is this the English version of “comme ci comme ca?” Or another favorite, “it is what it is?” Well, maybe this is a description of karma. Ok, maybe I’m alright with this one. Thanks for letting me talk it out with you. Hey, what goes around, comes around, maybe you’ll be enlightened by something as well.
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas.
Yes. Another reason I can give my kids why we don’t have a dog.
Many hands make light work.
Nope. Many hands go with lots of mouths which just ask questions like, “Why are we doing this work? Isn’t there a better way we could be doing this work? Shouldn’t someone else be doing this work? Can we put it to a vote? Do we have a quorum? Who’s in charge? How do I file a complaint?” Geez. All I wanted to do was stuff some envelopes and now it’s turned into an initiative to only use mailing supplies made from paper harvested from a sustainable grower and maybe this should all be online, but some people choose not to have an email address and we can’t make them feel excluded because that’s not fair and OH MY WORD. Less hands, less talking. Thank you.
Another day, another dollar.
We should put this guy with the penny guy and see who comes out ahead.
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Well, I don’t know about flies, but I do know about ants, and those little boogers are hard to get rid of. I say keep your honey AND your vinegar in a cabinet with the tops securely fastened.
Why put off until tomorrow what you might get done today?
Because what would I do tomorrow? Duh.
To make a long story short…
Ridiculous. Obviously no one knows what this means, because every long story starts with this phrase. Sometimes I don’t even mind a long story, but don’t try and sell me on it by calling it short. It always starts out with “To make a long story short,” and then “Well, let me start at the beginning,” and then 2 hours later it ends with something ridiculous like, “Then I basically ended up in the desert with nothing but a bag of grapes!” Oh, I’m sorry, I was thinking about my Netflix queue. Can you go back to that part about the GPS saying “Recalculating?”
Well I guess I’m going to keep calm and put on my rain boots and look for the silver lining in this rainy day. Because YOLO and I just wanna dance like no one’s watching. Live, laugh, love, y’all.